SEX VEX TEXT

broken rose.png

Took twenty three years

to say the word... 'sex'!

A Je-HO-vah’s witness.

Things always complex.

 

The first time I realised

they had twisted my nature,

I was ten, when I’d read,

'Listening to the Great Teacher'.

 

It was a pink book of rules

…’don’t do this, don’t do that’.

Masturbation was naughty.

So confused, as we sat.

 

Unsure what it meant  

to have pleasured oneself.

Disconnected the impulse.

I NEVER could tell.

 

Eyes, had to be covered.

Couples kissed on T.V.

No peeking through fingers

so we couldn’t see.

 

When humans were natural

…and felt a connection.

We closed off the world.

An unhealthy projection.

 

Even when adults dated,

a chaperone was needed.

Reject all temptation.

The fear had been seeded.

 

Unsure how to talk 

to the opposite sex.

I got my first job

and started to vex.

 

We were kept in a bubble

away from the world.

Their way of protection

was fetal and curled.

 

Over time it was clear

…with my curious mind.

What I kept bottled up,

I was surely to find.

 

A straight jacket life

had changed my creation.

It powerfully coloured

.. my orien-ta-tion.

 

I was straight, and then gay

and then straight once again.

It took twenty long years.

I’d been searching for ‘Zen’.

 

Date raped at nineteen

…Gary stole my virginity.

I lost trust in men and

 the confidence IN me.

 

He was the VERY first man

who showed me attention.

Who lured and then trapped me.

The rest I can’t mention.

 

My radar was off

unaware of the dangers.

I was over protected

like forests have rangers.

 

A crap year then followed.

I drank and I fucked.

An attempt to escape 

all the trauma, I ducked.

 

Always drunk. Always lost.

Always trying to forget.

Ending nights in a slump

with the guys I had met.

 

One night I went out

 with my big sister Sa.

Drinking hard once again,

always took it too far.

 

I was out for the count.

Adam slipped me his number.

A beer in my hand,

I had crashed in a slumber.

 

Was lucky, I called him.

He was really nice.

Drinking way too much booze

was my only device.

 

I decided to date him.

Was quick off the mark,

to leave my religion

and make a new start.

 

My choice, was to leave.

Like escaping a cult.

The elders were hardcore,

I was ready to bolt.

 

I turned on Jehovah,

was kicked to the curb.

I didn’t say sorry.

I wasn’t perturbed.

 

I hate that religion.

Our family was close.

Missed weddings and funerals

It’s THAT I oppose.

 

They cut me from family,

because I was evil.

Their rules. Their bible

caused so much upheaval.

 

I wasn’t real good

keeping rules. Regulations.

I paid very dearly, 

with my family relations.

 

A ‘new’ life with Adam

I had to move on.

Having lost my foundation.

this new light had shone.

 

His gift, was soul music.

He bought my first drums.

My heart was restoring,

I started to hum.

 

We recorded, and played …

and toured all around.

Was finally myself,

with such magical sound.

 

I married this man

….with a very good heart.

But trust was soon broken…

…and pulled us apart.

 

He promised me children,

and then changed his mind.

His passion was music.

I chose ‘women’, in-kind.

 

I had to divorce.

I thought it was MEN.

Who closed down my heart

….like a pig in a pen.

 

My sexual desire 

was given ‘new’ life.

A great big distraction

to calm all the strife.

 

Fell into the arms 

of a woman named Kayt.

T’was Mardi Gras time

…I thought was pure fate.

 

Unhappy deep down  

just filling the void.

My heart was now empty and

very annoyed.

 

Abusive. Controlling.

She hated me happy.

Told me off like a parent.

Like wearing a nappy.

 

Cut off from my friends

it became my survival.

To sexually appease 

the ‘femme’ as my rival.

 

The tension was clear

I was playing with fire.

I loved being owned.

Throwing MORE on the pyre.

 

But one gift she gave me

..that opened me up.

A magical ‘orgasm’.

Over-filled was my cup.

 

Forgotten the impulses.

Was natural, when younger.

A physical awakening.

With lightening, came thunder.

 

The door had been opened.

A sexual beast.

The guilt from Jehovah

had finally ceased.

 

Kayt cheated on me.

Finally came to an end.

I lived five more years

as a proud lesbian.

 

Addicted to love.

Never had to atone.

Fourteen years in relationships,

and never alone.

 

I thought I was healed 

from the time I was broken.

When scratched on the surface,

my rape had awoken.

 

T’was time to admit

chasing love and affection.

Showed up all my dents

and needed correction.

 

I thought I deserved 

being thrown to the ground.

Feeling guilt every time 

my heart had been found.

 

In fact I just needed

to be by myself.

To love and to hold.

Feed my inner TRUE wealth.

 

It took those 4 years

to forgive my oppressors.

Found self through the dark

with creative endeavours.

 

Dear Music and Art,

I’m so grateful you healed me.

Connected and centred.

Now, strong as can be.

 

No longer was tumble weed

tumbling around.

I’d learnt some life lessons.

My truth was compound.

 

After loving myself,

my soul’s ‘new’ invention.

Was ready for love.

Finally had a direction.

 

His name was Paul Dunn.

Was the bro of my neighbour.

I knew he was mine.

Every moment I’d savour.

 

Feels great to be loved 

when you love who you are.

Found a family again,

after raising the bar.

 

It’s only in time

when ‘true love’ is reflected.

Didn’t have to go far.

Next door neighbour, detected.

 

Advice to my friends

is when things fall apart

let go of the anger.

Just a hot winded fart.

 

Be kind to your heart space

The gifts keep on coming.

Just love and forgive.

It will keep you from running.

 

F.

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