Took twenty three years
to say the word... 'sex'!
A Je-HO-vah’s witness.
Things always complex.
The first time I realised
they had twisted my nature,
I was ten, when I’d read,
'Listening to the Great Teacher'.
It was a pink book of rules
…’don’t do this, don’t do that’.
Masturbation was naughty.
So confused, as we sat.
Unsure what it meant
to have pleasured oneself.
Disconnected the impulse.
I NEVER could tell.
Eyes, had to be covered.
Couples kissed on T.V.
No peeking through fingers
so we couldn’t see.
When humans were natural
…and felt a connection.
We closed off the world.
An unhealthy projection.
Even when adults dated,
a chaperone was needed.
Reject all temptation.
The fear had been seeded.
Unsure how to talk
to the opposite sex.
I got my first job
and started to vex.
We were kept in a bubble
away from the world.
Their way of protection
was fetal and curled.
Over time it was clear
…with my curious mind.
What I kept bottled up,
I was surely to find.
A straight jacket life
had changed my creation.
It powerfully coloured
.. my orien-ta-tion.
I was straight, and then gay
and then straight once again.
It took twenty long years.
I’d been searching for ‘Zen’.
Date raped at nineteen
…Gary stole my virginity.
I lost trust in men and
the confidence IN me.
He was the VERY first man
who showed me attention.
Who lured and then trapped me.
The rest I can’t mention.
My radar was off
unaware of the dangers.
I was over protected
like forests have rangers.
A crap year then followed.
I drank and I fucked.
An attempt to escape
all the trauma, I ducked.
Always drunk. Always lost.
Always trying to forget.
Ending nights in a slump
with the guys I had met.
One night I went out
with my big sister Sa.
Drinking hard once again,
always took it too far.
I was out for the count.
Adam slipped me his number.
A beer in my hand,
I had crashed in a slumber.
Was lucky, I called him.
He was really nice.
Drinking way too much booze
was my only device.
I decided to date him.
Was quick off the mark,
to leave my religion
and make a new start.
My choice, was to leave.
Like escaping a cult.
The elders were hardcore,
I was ready to bolt.
I turned on Jehovah,
was kicked to the curb.
I didn’t say sorry.
I wasn’t perturbed.
I hate that religion.
Our family was close.
Missed weddings and funerals
It’s THAT I oppose.
They cut me from family,
because I was evil.
Their rules. Their bible
caused so much upheaval.
I wasn’t real good
keeping rules. Regulations.
I paid very dearly,
with my family relations.
A ‘new’ life with Adam
I had to move on.
Having lost my foundation.
this new light had shone.
His gift, was soul music.
He bought my first drums.
My heart was restoring,
I started to hum.
We recorded, and played …
and toured all around.
Was finally myself,
with such magical sound.
I married this man
….with a very good heart.
But trust was soon broken…
…and pulled us apart.
He promised me children,
and then changed his mind.
His passion was music.
I chose ‘women’, in-kind.
I had to divorce.
I thought it was MEN.
Who closed down my heart
….like a pig in a pen.
My sexual desire
was given ‘new’ life.
A great big distraction
to calm all the strife.
Fell into the arms
of a woman named Kayt.
T’was Mardi Gras time
…I thought was pure fate.
Unhappy deep down
just filling the void.
My heart was now empty and
very annoyed.
Abusive. Controlling.
She hated me happy.
Told me off like a parent.
Like wearing a nappy.
Cut off from my friends
it became my survival.
To sexually appease
the ‘femme’ as my rival.
The tension was clear
I was playing with fire.
I loved being owned.
Throwing MORE on the pyre.
But one gift she gave me
..that opened me up.
A magical ‘orgasm’.
Over-filled was my cup.
Forgotten the impulses.
Was natural, when younger.
A physical awakening.
With lightening, came thunder.
The door had been opened.
A sexual beast.
The guilt from Jehovah
had finally ceased.
Kayt cheated on me.
Finally came to an end.
I lived five more years
as a proud lesbian.
Addicted to love.
Never had to atone.
Fourteen years in relationships,
and never alone.
I thought I was healed
from the time I was broken.
When scratched on the surface,
my rape had awoken.
T’was time to admit
chasing love and affection.
Showed up all my dents
and needed correction.
I thought I deserved
being thrown to the ground.
Feeling guilt every time
my heart had been found.
In fact I just needed
to be by myself.
To love and to hold.
Feed my inner TRUE wealth.
It took those 4 years
to forgive my oppressors.
Found self through the dark
with creative endeavours.
Dear Music and Art,
I’m so grateful you healed me.
Connected and centred.
Now, strong as can be.
No longer was tumble weed
tumbling around.
I’d learnt some life lessons.
My truth was compound.
After loving myself,
my soul’s ‘new’ invention.
Was ready for love.
Finally had a direction.
His name was Paul Dunn.
Was the bro of my neighbour.
I knew he was mine.
Every moment I’d savour.
Feels great to be loved
when you love who you are.
Found a family again,
after raising the bar.
It’s only in time
when ‘true love’ is reflected.
Didn’t have to go far.
Next door neighbour, detected.
Advice to my friends
is when things fall apart
let go of the anger.
Just a hot winded fart.
Be kind to your heart space
The gifts keep on coming.
Just love and forgive.
It will keep you from running.
F.
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