To believe... and to know.

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Fairies and dragons…. is to believe.

Fireflies and lizards…. is to know.

 

Religious teachings from a pulpit… is to believe.

Feeling the sun on your face…. is to know.

 

The words of a politician… is to believe.

Getting involved in our community… is to know.

 

Waiting for our results from IVF… is to believe.

Feeling blessed already…. is to know.

 

Hoping to be TRULY seen by my parents… is to believe.

Dad shedding a tear, whilst in a coma… is to know.

 

Winning the fight in climate change… is to believe.

Riding bikes, gardening and recycling … is to know.

 

Being on the dating scene… was to believe.

Nurturing friends who brought out the best in me… was to know.

 

Waiting for your dream job…. is to believe.

Feeling blessed to even HAVE one…. is to know.

 

Trying to lose weight…. is to believe.

Not eating Tim Tam's…. is to know.

 

Crushing on my neighbour’s brother….was to believe.

Having married him…. is to know!

 

Dreaming of a garden with no backyard… is to believe.

Nurturing bonsai trees… is to know.

 

Dreams of owning a house on the ocean…. is to believe.

Realising HEALTH is WEALTH…. is to know.

 

Becoming a great writer…. is to believe.

Developing my craft everyday…. is to know.

 

Waiting to be accepted by others… is to believe.

Letting go of expectation and loving self… is to know.

F,

x

Celebrate or not to celebrate. That is the question.

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I’m conflicted celebrating Mothers Day

for reasons I have to share.

Like birthdays.... mum's religion has

forbidden it every year.

 

Their followers are taught scripture

where Mother’s day, they have been ridden.

These pagan rituals can’t be celebrated.

False Gods, you aren't forgiven.

 

Time and again, like many religions

men choose words from the bible.

To control and create fear in hearts,

where your conscience is then liable. 

 

The interesting thing is that Mothers Day

doesn’t come from a female goddess.

Anna Jarvis who was an American lady,

was actually a woman who was really modest.

 

Her mum helped soldiers... during the war,

where government then made if official.

They chose this day… to remember ALL mums,

giving birth to an American ritual.

 

Again…like any well intentioned purpose, 

things soon got out of hand.

Hallmark cards made it a commercial venture

in the 1920's, another trend!

 

I hate to douse this day in facts. 

but it always makes me think.

Millions of dollars are spent each year,

that takes me to the brink.

 

Isn’t EVERY day a Mother’s Day

where we take time out to care?

Even if you didn’t KNOW your mum…

without her, you wouldn’t be here!

 

The relationship.. I have had with mum

has taken YEARS... for us to mend.

Understanding one another’s truth,

both sides have had to bend.

 

In a couple of weeks… my mother is visiting,

to attend a Christian convention.

Her last night in Sydney, she’ll stay with us.

I LIVE for reconnection!

 

Mum loves to cuddle our doggie Tintin.

She’s cute, she calls him ‘grandson’!

We’ll celebrate Mother’s Day together

Each day, we're glad we've had SOME.

 

The moral of this story and ...

REGARDLESS of your belief.

Is to honour the woman who birthed you,

she's YOUR branch.....and you...HER leaf!

 

Love,

 

F.

xxx

Free your Heart ....and the rest will Follow.

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To walk your truth takes courage. 

If it's leaving a job…. a relationship … a religion….or coming out of a sexual closet….

….listening to that 'inner voice' … shall set you free!

It doesn't always come easily, for those who choose... to follow their hearts.

You may be judged….

you may be rejected…

or worse you may be beaten…

and even killed.

But when you are given ONE life to live….then shouldn't we honour that life we have?

To be who you were BORN to be?

This for some, is a CHOICE… not a given.

There are those who like to cruise through life and happily walk the path that others have chosen for them.

There are those who walk the line, unable to make a choice to be one or the other.

There are those who carefully navigate politely around the obstacles of life, and quietly participate in this great thing we call 'life'.

AND THEN ….there are those, like me, who have a drive to live their OWN truth. 

It's not always greener when you jump the fence for fresher pastures!

There is MORE often than not, a dried up terrain…. that one needs to walk through FIRST... until you discover the water fountain of life.

I think jumping the fence should be encouraged… BUT ...you should have a well researched plan!

The saying, 'Curiosity killed the cat' has NEVER scared me in this life.

Because with change…. and the many kinds of 'death' we experience... if it's emotional…spiritual or mental… there is ALWAYS a re-birth.

ALL concepts …. are valid to me.

Creation. Evolution. Reincarnation. 

I'll joyously pick flowers from every garden and happily place these vibrant truths in my ceramic vase of life.

My spirit has been broken.

My physical body has been invaded.

My precious finger has been snapped.

My heart has been completely shattered.

But… my choice to keep chasing my 'inner self' has found me in the most amazing fields of light!

I've had both beautiful… and VERY painful moments on this journey, with all the mischief I've gotten into.

BUT, when my dad died of cancer in 2014, I felt something a little different.

Although this was an experience I didn't choose, I had a choice of how I reacted to it. 

Finally at a place where I felt strong spiritually and emotionally…. I had learnt a precious lesson in life…. from the many fences I had jumped.

That there is also beauty in standing still.

Grief is an unusual and limitless emotion.

When my heart ordered me to feel the pain…. I stood still and let it wash over me.

No running. No hiding. 

Just being.

The perfect irony of ALL my escape plans…. is that I have now learnt how to stand still!

So now, when it comes to elevating dark into light… I make these simple choices.

To be… or to not.

To see….or to turn away.

To love….or to reject.

To live…or to change tactic.

To challenge… or to accept.

But regardless of how I choose a ‘new’ direction of light, in spite of life’s struggle, I am always happy to sit on the mound of gratitude for EVERYTHING life has taught me, in order to maintain the joy in my heart.

At times you may travel with me along some difficult terrain but like in life, I have always found beautiful meadows of light….. to bathe through… that remind me how blessed I am.

Regardless of the trials and tribulations that have helped me become the woman I am today, I hope that by sharing my truth you can find your own voice of authenticity.... and remember that true happiness in this life, is to find the ‘joy’ in all things.

Peace and love,

F.

x

Tree of LIFE!

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As a child in Mangere, Auckland

I had my favourite tree.

The tallest one... in our front yard, 

that everyone could see.

 

A sacred place of happiness

I confessed my ev'ry dream.

To climb..to climb....so high in the sky

I swung... from beam to beam.
 

 

It's bark was thick and very strong,

which helped me, keep my grip.

I pulled myself, higher and higher

being careful not to slip!

 

At times my mum would hit my hand

because... I had... been naughty.

She usually chose the wooden spoon.

Her aim was never faulty.

 

'Thwack' ...and 'Thwack'!  She'd hit each hand. 

Couldn't wait till it was over.

Mum reminded me ev'ry single time

'Be good, to god Jehovah'.

 

I'd climb my tree with swollen hands

they throbbed right to the bone.

I didn't care how much they hurt

I was safe and finally ALONE.

 

I swayed and swayed above our house

upon my favourite branch.

The leaves would sing sweet songs of freedom

and put me in a trance.

 

My tears would dry eventually

as I came back to myself.

I noticed then, some ca-ter-pillars.

had joined me on my shelf.

 

They were covered in the brightest colours

of lime... and blue ...and yellow.

We spoke all day about my life.

They never thought it shallow.

 

I also shared the dreams I had

of creating as an artist.

They clapped and cheered, and always said,

'Fani. You are the greatest!’.

 

But every time I climbed the tree,

my friends had always changed.

Growing fatter every time we spoke

They never looked the same.

 

Until one day, no longer crawling

and NOW  a brown cocoon.

For days I'd whisper to their shells

whilst they wiggled in their room.

 

Then fi-nal-ly the day arrived

T'was time to reappear.

Their wings were brown and black and cream

A moth, that brought a tear.

 

I'd wave goodbye. T’was time to go.

My dreams had taken flight.

I knew one day they’d all come true,

It became my daily plight.

 

Still to this day, when things appear

and change from day to day.

The Cecropia moth is my symbol.

It’s natures changing way.

 

Although the tree no longer exists

It grows inside my heart.

The spirit of freedom lives within

Endings…. bringing a brand ‘new’ start.

F.
x

SEX VEX TEXT

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Took twenty three years

to say the word... 'sex'!

A Je-HO-vah’s witness.

Things always complex.

 

The first time I realised

they had twisted my nature,

I was ten, when I’d read,

'Listening to the Great Teacher'.

 

It was a pink book of rules

…’don’t do this, don’t do that’.

Masturbation was naughty.

So confused, as we sat.

 

Unsure what it meant  

to have pleasured oneself.

Disconnected the impulse.

I NEVER could tell.

 

Eyes, had to be covered.

Couples kissed on T.V.

No peeking through fingers

so we couldn’t see.

 

When humans were natural

…and felt a connection.

We closed off the world.

An unhealthy projection.

 

Even when adults dated,

a chaperone was needed.

Reject all temptation.

The fear had been seeded.

 

Unsure how to talk 

to the opposite sex.

I got my first job

and started to vex.

 

We were kept in a bubble

away from the world.

Their way of protection

was fetal and curled.

 

Over time it was clear

…with my curious mind.

What I kept bottled up,

I was surely to find.

 

A straight jacket life

had changed my creation.

It powerfully coloured

.. my orien-ta-tion.

 

I was straight, and then gay

and then straight once again.

It took twenty long years.

I’d been searching for ‘Zen’.

 

Date raped at nineteen

…Gary stole my virginity.

I lost trust in men and

 the confidence IN me.

 

He was the VERY first man

who showed me attention.

Who lured and then trapped me.

The rest I can’t mention.

 

My radar was off

unaware of the dangers.

I was over protected

like forests have rangers.

 

A crap year then followed.

I drank and I fucked.

An attempt to escape 

all the trauma, I ducked.

 

Always drunk. Always lost.

Always trying to forget.

Ending nights in a slump

with the guys I had met.

 

One night I went out

 with my big sister Sa.

Drinking hard once again,

always took it too far.

 

I was out for the count.

Adam slipped me his number.

A beer in my hand,

I had crashed in a slumber.

 

Was lucky, I called him.

He was really nice.

Drinking way too much booze

was my only device.

 

I decided to date him.

Was quick off the mark,

to leave my religion

and make a new start.

 

My choice, was to leave.

Like escaping a cult.

The elders were hardcore,

I was ready to bolt.

 

I turned on Jehovah,

was kicked to the curb.

I didn’t say sorry.

I wasn’t perturbed.

 

I hate that religion.

Our family was close.

Missed weddings and funerals

It’s THAT I oppose.

 

They cut me from family,

because I was evil.

Their rules. Their bible

caused so much upheaval.

 

I wasn’t real good

keeping rules. Regulations.

I paid very dearly, 

with my family relations.

 

A ‘new’ life with Adam

I had to move on.

Having lost my foundation.

this new light had shone.

 

His gift, was soul music.

He bought my first drums.

My heart was restoring,

I started to hum.

 

We recorded, and played …

and toured all around.

Was finally myself,

with such magical sound.

 

I married this man

….with a very good heart.

But trust was soon broken…

…and pulled us apart.

 

He promised me children,

and then changed his mind.

His passion was music.

I chose ‘women’, in-kind.

 

I had to divorce.

I thought it was MEN.

Who closed down my heart

….like a pig in a pen.

 

My sexual desire 

was given ‘new’ life.

A great big distraction

to calm all the strife.

 

Fell into the arms 

of a woman named Kayt.

T’was Mardi Gras time

…I thought was pure fate.

 

Unhappy deep down  

just filling the void.

My heart was now empty and

very annoyed.

 

Abusive. Controlling.

She hated me happy.

Told me off like a parent.

Like wearing a nappy.

 

Cut off from my friends

it became my survival.

To sexually appease 

the ‘femme’ as my rival.

 

The tension was clear

I was playing with fire.

I loved being owned.

Throwing MORE on the pyre.

 

But one gift she gave me

..that opened me up.

A magical ‘orgasm’.

Over-filled was my cup.

 

Forgotten the impulses.

Was natural, when younger.

A physical awakening.

With lightening, came thunder.

 

The door had been opened.

A sexual beast.

The guilt from Jehovah

had finally ceased.

 

Kayt cheated on me.

Finally came to an end.

I lived five more years

as a proud lesbian.

 

Addicted to love.

Never had to atone.

Fourteen years in relationships,

and never alone.

 

I thought I was healed 

from the time I was broken.

When scratched on the surface,

my rape had awoken.

 

T’was time to admit

chasing love and affection.

Showed up all my dents

and needed correction.

 

I thought I deserved 

being thrown to the ground.

Feeling guilt every time 

my heart had been found.

 

In fact I just needed

to be by myself.

To love and to hold.

Feed my inner TRUE wealth.

 

It took those 4 years

to forgive my oppressors.

Found self through the dark

with creative endeavours.

 

Dear Music and Art,

I’m so grateful you healed me.

Connected and centred.

Now, strong as can be.

 

No longer was tumble weed

tumbling around.

I’d learnt some life lessons.

My truth was compound.

 

After loving myself,

my soul’s ‘new’ invention.

Was ready for love.

Finally had a direction.

 

His name was Paul Dunn.

Was the bro of my neighbour.

I knew he was mine.

Every moment I’d savour.

 

Feels great to be loved 

when you love who you are.

Found a family again,

after raising the bar.

 

It’s only in time

when ‘true love’ is reflected.

Didn’t have to go far.

Next door neighbour, detected.

 

Advice to my friends

is when things fall apart

let go of the anger.

Just a hot winded fart.

 

Be kind to your heart space

The gifts keep on coming.

Just love and forgive.

It will keep you from running.

 

F.

x